I could hardly sleep the night before the big Strawtown adventure. I was like a kid on Christmas Eve. Several people tried to temper my enthusiasm, but I was having none of it. After years of putting it off, I was finally going to get to see bask in the glow of Strawtown’s regal beauty. In addition [...]
I took a little hiatus from Gnu Glasses for a few months to focus on other things and people have noticed. It feels good to be missed, but I’ve enjoyed the break. Maintaining a blog about one’s life is a double-edged sword. You get to give your readers regular updates on your life, which is fun. However, [...]
My alarm went off at 6:48 am and I instantly began kicking myself for staying up so late the night before. I tell myself I’m getting too old for staying up till 3 am when I have to work in the morning. I hit the snooze button a few times before getting ready for the 8 o’clock shift. I head down to my car around 7:30, impressed that I’m actually going to get to work on time. Maybe I’m not too old after all.
I turn the key and immediately my heart sinks. My car starts choking worse than Peyton Manning in the playoffs. I try a few more times but it quickly becomes apparent that it’s an exercise in futility. My battery is dead. I try to remain calm, but I can’t stop myself from getting a little miffed. Only two days ago, I had taken my car in for an oil change and a tire rotation and this is the thanks I get? I was going to take my Focus out for a wash and a nice vacuum after work, but not now. I’m beginning think my car doesn’t appreciate everything I do for it.
I head back to my apartment to figure out my options. I could call a cab, but it would probably take an hour before it arrived. I could call one of my friends for a jump, but most of them aren’t early risers and the ones that are don’t live nearby. I decide to go with option C. I would ask one of my neighbors for a jump. This option would have been easier if I owned jumper cables or knew any of my neighbors’ names, but I don’t. All I know is that one of my neighbor is fond of leaving rollerblades and bags of dog turds in the hallway.
I wait outside to see if I could find someone willing to give me a jump. After 20 minutes of waiting, a few things become obvious. First, not a lot of people wake up early on Sunday. Second, most Sunday morning drivers in my apartment complex are little old ladies on their way to church who don’t own jumper cables. One lady laughed at me when I asked if she owned a pair. I’m pretty sure that’s not what Jesus would have done.
At this point, I start to get aggravated. It’s after 8 and I’m no closer to getting than work than when I woke up. If I called a cab I wouldn’t get to work until well after 9 am. Why can’t I work in a town with mass transit?
I decide to see if I could find someone who might be able to drive over and give me a jump. As I suspected, most of my friends were either sleeping or already hard at work at themselves. I was able to track down Hummus who was willing to leave work to give me a ride provided he could get permission from his boss, who is coincidentally my boss. After much discussion, it was decided that it might quicker to send someone a little…different.
Enter Uncle P.
When the news came that my knight in shining armor would be Uncle P, my jaw dropped. It had to be some sort of joke. In less than 30 minutes, a guy I’ve been actively avoiding for years would be at my house.
Unlike Mr. Clean, Uncle P and I don’t have a frosty relationship. He’s never done anything to me; I just have no desire to talk to him. In the interest of being polite, let’s just say that Uncle P is “quirky”. Normally, I don’t mind quirky. However, Uncle P’s quirks include eating cold clam chowder fresh from the can while telling stories that couldn’t possibly be true. I resolved to stop talking to Uncle P after he told me his ex-wife was half Asian princess, half ninja assassin. When I asked for a picture he told me wasn’t allowed to keep any photos as part of the divorce settlement.
As I waited for my ride, a sense of impending doom set in. there was no way I was going to get through the day without having to chitchat with Uncle P. With any luck, it would be a short conversation as he helped me jump my battery.
45 minute later, Uncle P arrives. It seems he had taken a few wrong turns on the usual 15 minute route to my house. Clearly sending someone who’s never been to my place was an efficient use of time. In fitting with the theme of the day, he didn’t have jumper cables. Someone had stolen them.
As we pulled out of the apartment complex, I developed what my doctor termed a somatic dysfunction. My jaw muscles tightened and pulsed every time I breathed. The stress of the morning’s events were wearing me down. I forced myself to think positive. Maybe this won’t be that bad.
As we approached the first red light, that delusion vanished. Across the street from my apartment is a furniture store that specializes in selling high end products made by the Amish. This was all the ammunition Uncle P needed to ignite a conversation. It seems he is descended from Amish heritage and one point was fluent in the native tongue. As a result, he once had to reprimand an associate for trying to sell an item that was clearly not 100% Amish. As protector of the Amish ideals, he also sent a strongly worded e-mail to the Discovery channel because their show “Amish Mafia” is rife with inaccuracies. Had I been in the mood to have a conversation, I would have pointed out that one should never take a ‘reality show’ about an Amish-led mafia seriously. Instead, I nodded and looked out the window waiting for it to be over.
Over the rest of the trip, several other issues were discussed: speed bumps, black ice, roundabouts, and the intricacies of learning German. There was also a story about a car chase that I would love to recount except I can’t because by that point I was dazing in and out consciousness.
We arrive at work and I thank Uncle P for the ride. I head to the door where I am greeted by Hummus who is thrilled to see me. He’s smiling a shady smile and waving obnoxiously. I considered throat punching him on the sales floor until I remembered my no violence in the workplace policy. Instead, I shuffle off to my department almost 2 hours late and try to forget the earlier morning’s events. It would have been a lot easier to do this if certain people hadn’t felt compelled to tell everyone who walked in about my morning. Even people I no longer work were filled in on the day’s events.
Halfway through my shift, I started to relax and see the humor in my early morning car troubles.Most of the people who listened to me vent were sympathetic. I even snagged a hug and a free cookie for my troubles. By the time I clocked out, I was almost normal again. I bummed a ride home from Hummus, got my car started, and headed to the nearest auto shop to pick up a new battery and a pair of jumper cables.
I made it home and hopped into bed almost immediately. It had been a long day and Monday promised to be longer…for much different reasons.
As you can probably tell from the name of this blog, I am a huge fan of glasses-eyeglasses in particular. Needless to say, when I was approached about helping a friend find a new pair I was stoked. My good friend D-Money had been sporting the same eyeglasses since high school and was looking to spice things [...]
An Indian and a negro walk into a tanning salon… It might seem like the setup to a cheesy joke, but in reality it was just a scene from the latest Raymond/Hummus adventure. Growing up in the south in a predominantly chocolate neighborhood, I was oblivious to the existence of tanning salons. I was pretty naive.I knew people [...]
Some of you may be aware the Super Bowl is this week and taking place here in Indianapolis. Had my beloved Saints made it to the big game, I planned to spend every free second I had downtown soaking in the festivities and making every attempt to meet as many players as possible. I would have documented [...]