I’ve reached a point in my life where people stop asking me what I want for Christmas. I get a few gifts here and there each year but nothing like when I was a kid. I’m pretty sure the best gifts I’ll get this year will be gift wrapped:
From: Matthew To: Matthew
On the off-chance I’m wrong I put together a list of things I would love to see under the Christmas tree in twelve days1.
5. Cross-Bow About a month ago I discovered my DVR was recording a show called the Walking Dead. I’m not sure why it was there, but I think it was a sign I need to start preparing for the zombie apocalypse. While the show offers lots of interesting survival tips, the most critical piece of advice I gleaned is that you want to avoid shooting zombies with a gun during a one-on-one encounter. Why? Because zombies travel in packs and gunshots make noise. Shooting a lone zombie will surely attract the other zombies who are probably nearby hunting, gathering, or playing backgammon. Enter the cross-bow. It is the ultimate silent but deadly weapon.
4. Pony-If you’re going to go around carrying around a cross-bow you need to have the right accessories. The first thing that comes to mind is a horse, but I always feel self-conscious when I’m riding a horse2. I’m not very tall and so I feel a pony would be more appropriate: easier dismount. In the midst of a zombie apocalypse you don’t want a thing like pride getting in the way .
3. Neck tattoo-One of my new year’s resolutions is to be more intimidating. I tend to come off as mild mannered and friendly, which is mostly true. I think I could benefit from adding a little edge. A neck tattoo is just what the doctor ordered. I was in the AT&T store the other day having a pleasant conversation with one of the clerks. After a few minutes I noticed his neck tattoo. It was tribal. All of sudden he became more than just a phone salesman. He became a phone salesman with a neck tattoo. I had more respect for him. I’m not sure what I’d kind of tattoo I’d want on my neck, though.
2. The Lion King on DVD-Scoff if you want, but I love the Lion King. It is, hands down, my favorite animated movie and pretty high on my list of all-time great movies. I watched it on the big screen as a kid and again this past summer when it was released. 17 years after it was first released, I still get choked up seeing Mufasa fall to the ground during the stampede. If that scene doesn’t do anything to you, I suggest you check your heart and see if it’s still there.
1. New Glasses- I’ve already declared my affection for eyeglasses in an earlier post, but I’m getting closer to breaking down and buying a pair. A friend crashed at my place a few weeks ago and left his glasses at my apartment. While he was gone, I took the opportunity to wear them around the house. Objectively speaking, I looked…good. I couldn’t stop looking at myself in the mirror. I kept thinking: “yeah…I’d tap that.”
I’ve been promised the cross-bow and the pony already. I’m just waiting on takers for the other items. Your generosity is greatly appreciated.
1. I don’t have a Christmas tree. Please provide one with gift.
2. I have never ridden a horse.